2016… Edsensiq

AWAKENING

life-862965__340

2016 dealt a lot of blows to me. These past months have been an eye opener,  a teacher… I was forced to mature and grow even when I thought I had no more room to grow. I felt so much personal pain this year that I didn’t think I would end the year like this. This year I forgot how to be strong…

I work at a job that I love and hate at the same time. You can love something  but loving that thing becomes hard when you are forced to do it over and over. When you have no choice, few options, no freedom… I had to stay at this job because I did not have an option.  When you are young you think that the whole world is open to you, that you can be anything, anyone, go anywhere etc. you never even stop to think that there are factors that will stand in your way like money, family, love… life.  I have always wanted to be a traveler, world changer, writer, makeup artist, actress. Well, I am a mother of two now. I have these two wonderful girls depending on me for everything. I no longer have the luxury of dreams. I have to take care of their every need. As much as I love doing this, parts of me died everyday this year. I watched as everyday, another dream and wish melted away. I did not miss a single day at work this year, I consistently did my best at my job, trying to juggle being a mother, and being a staff, trying to fight back tears everyday and hold my tongue at my boss who can be difficult. 80% of my year consisted of me fighting back tears, sometimes letting them fall behind my palms, feeling sorry for myself and wishing for things to change.

Financially, the year was not as fruitful as I would have wanted.  My needs were many.The economy is in crises. Prices in the market doubled and then tripled. My income did not change. But God was faithful. We survived.

My relationship with my husband this year…In marriage there is hurt, betrayal, love, fulfillment, hate, disappointment, happiness etc. all rolled up in one. Your picture is made up of which of these things you choose to focus the most on. That’s marriage. Its not easy but at the end of the day Love and God continues to win, at the end of the day this is all I know: I love him so much and I feel his love for me, for our family and its like…its like an anchor.

I made very few new friends this year. I’m sure I also lost a lot of old ones. I didn’t give myself to people this year. I was shut in. I was not there for them. Attended very few events, did not call my friends as much, I avoided being seen too much. Not healthy at all.

I added so much weight this year because generally, I was unhappy. You see, my weight is a direct function of my feelings. Lol, I know I’m not alone in this regard.

I did not see my mum as much as I wanted to this year. Because I did not want her to see how much I was struggling.  Her radar for these things is  so strong. I wanted her to see a happy and fulfilled child so every time I saw her, it was with the biggest smile. But she knew. I know that she knew.

So far so grim right? well this is how I felt generally in 2016. This is all I carried with me in 2016 but no more.

Okpas, Cho and Iye were  awesome as always.  I have the best siblings. Cho, went to Paris for school this year and I honestly felt like a part of me was shutting down.  I have always depended on her for a lot.  I see her running after her dreams and it make me so jealous but soooo proud at the same time. She just pushed herself and threw herself at the world and she is doing it well!!!.  I expect great things from this girl. Great things.

I woke up a couple of nights ago thinking that I cannot continue like this. I realize that my state of mind , even though it’s generally affected by the things that happen to me and around me, ultimately, I have the ability to choose. to be happy or unhappy, contented etc. I  have chosen.-

I will no longer just survive, but I will live. I will be happy at all costs. I will eat right and lose weight. I will work harder for my family. I will give myself a deadline and work at leaving my job. I will work on my mental health, improve on my qualifications, work on additional lines of income and most importantly , grow my relationship with God.

2017 will start with me shedding a lot of my beliefs and views on how things should be. I want to expand my thinking and let other views in. I will build new goals, dream new dreams, wish for things and work for them.  I still believe in myself. I have not given up on me yet. I never will.

So I wish all my friends and family the best of the year. I have been reminded of my strength and I know I have won 2017. Cheers.

2016…Ekos

DETERMINATION

achieve-1822503__340.jpg

This year came with some great new bits, I finally started school, I learnt a little bit of a new language, I learnt how to live on my own for some time and we had new additions to our family.

This year, life also hit me hard, I lost my father, my first love. I have had to go through different processes of grieving. It was difficult trying to process my loss and continue with life at the same time, But I got to learn that life indeed goes on, little by little.

The only thing you have after you’ve lost a loved one are the memories you have made with them. They stay with you forever. I learned we should always show people who mean a lot to us that we care about them by giving them our time, resources, and so much more, because life is too short.

I learned more about empathy – I shouldn’t minimize people’s grief by comparing it with other people’s sad life events, that I should empathize with friends even when they get a little scratch without making statements like “your own is even small”.

I also learned to say “no” more often. Making myself happy isn’t wrong, and knowing my own true definition of happiness for myself (which for now, apart from the deep stuff we all know is lying on my bed and watching movies I like) is important. I learned I shouldn’t let other people define it for me.

Most of all, I learned about family and real friendship. I learned how important it is to be there for your friends and family when they’re going through a tough or happy time. I used to think a little text from me wouldn’t matter to some people but now I know it does. For the sad times, we all do not like sad events, neither do we know what to say when sad things happen but I now know it is important to reach out no matter what (FYI, text may also include Facebook messages, DMs or Instagram messages, LOL).

In retrospect, by this time last year, I had all kinds of positive feelings about conquering the world and trying my possible best to do so, but I also learnt that sometimes, it is okay to step back from the struggle of being a better version of yourself, relax your brain, have a moment alone and come back stronger. No, it is not laziness, it is simply human not to be a “go-getter” all the time.

In conclusion, I learned the importance of family (it may mean different things to different people), recognizing real and true friendship, meeting up with obligations and taking time out of the constant struggle of life to be better and perfect to relax and have time for the simple things in life.

And yes, I am thankful to God for his abundant gifts of love, knowledge, joy and peace. He indeed has wonderful plans ahead for us in 2017!

Feeling Blue 3.

6-7 pm, 03/07/2016

wordpress6

DO YOU?

Why do I have to wait for you to love me only when we have an audience?

I must admit this is a strange problem to have but you love to show off our ‘closeness’ to the world but you don’t act like that when its just you and me, when it really matters

Why do you have to compete with your mates; ‘who loves ‘theirs’ the most or who is more close to ‘theirs’? Nobody else is even competing with you so why cant you love for me just be?

Do you not…

Are you…

Do you not love me or am I just over thinking?

 

Feeling blue 2.

6-7 pm, 03/07/2016

WHAT ABOUT ME?

wordpress5

I love you with all my heart

even though I have the short end of the stick

I love you with all my heart

even though you take it for granted and take advantage of it

I love you with all my heart

through the years and times when you chose others over me

I love you with all my heart

now that I realize that Loyalty I a strange word to you

I love you and all your flaws

because they make you beautiful, because you expect me to

 

but what about me?

2O15 EXCERPTS, BON NUIT…

NEWTON ALLEN

Somehow my 2014 spilled a lot into my 2015, for the first time in all my years of living I had never thought I would stop living in my family house. My dad woke up one day left us and my mum and many years later sold the house from where ever he was and then on the street we found ourselves. I saw this only in the movies but never saw myself in their shoes.
2015… God is a faithful God, I love him so much, and he showed up all the way and helped us through people I did never have thought of. I had a lot of concern as the year began, I felt a lot for my younger siblings but God has been father to us and a husband to my mum.
God does hold hands and even more then that carries us in times of storms. He is so dependable it beats all imaginations. I love God.
I have my own apartment now, paying rent is a new path but I hope to own my own house soon. My siblings are doing very well and my mum too. While it would seem we should be crying and worrying, we had a lot of good laughs and we are stilling laughing, I refuse to live life like I have no hope.
My business is growing and I got a job I like.
A very caring, God fearing boyfriend, he such a good friend.
I will say don’t leave God behind in your life’s journey. Be open to changes, it can work wonders in your life. Don’t take life too serious but love it and dare it.
If God is all you have God is all you need.
I am thankful for my mum, mummy Jane, Abiye aka leeanbyleean, oshole and God’sfavour. I couldn’t ask for better family members….My love to Rev Arome E Adah, Rev Mosi Mosugu, Pst Eben Mosugu, they have been fathers and friends to me and my household. Jide Olusola,Keli Oliseh, Ladi Abutu, Chinwe Udeze, Vicky Usman, Joy Odeh, Tosin Togunde, aunty Nnenna Mosugu, aunty Dupe Mosugu, aunty Ife Opara, aunty Tayo Idachaba, Emmanuel Ekpo, Styne Obaje, Priest of Praise, SGC Abuja, Excel family.
Cho Enape, for inspiring me to do is. You are a special friend.

BUNDUS

I dont know how to write anything o but I know that God did a lot of things for me this year. Even though I lost a lot. I lost chi, I lost my job and I had to move in with an Aunt who doesnt even act like an aunt. my phone got stolen, my boyfriend said he is not doing again…plenty things. everything that could go wrong went wrong but I am still grateful to God. I have a place to sleep even though its like I am in hostile territory, I have a great support system of friends who are now family, my baby brother got admission this year, etc. I got great advice from people on how to cope with stress and everything. I am just grateful sha that I am alive to make everything right again with the help of God even though I feel like I am walking around with an open festering wound. Thank God for everything. 2016 will be great. it better be.

ChoCho

I did not make any plans this year. I was just going to ‘wing’ it and hope for the best. God had other plans for me though. 2015 was a year of hard lessons, growth, health scares etc. I got several opportunities to write articles for magazines and blogs, I became an ambassador for TCG, I travelled a lot… at the beginning things were just so confusing. I did’nt even know how bad things had become. I was still carrying that dark cloud everywhere with me.I was going through all the range of emotions covered in an Adele album; all at once. Anna Lyndsey has the perfect words for what I was feeling; “friendship plants itself like a small unobtrusive seed;over time it grows thick roots that wrap around your heart. when a love affair ends, the tree is torn out quickly, the operation painful but clean. Friendship withers quietly, there is always hope for revival. only after time has passed do you recognize that its dead and you are left ,for years afterwards, pulling dry brown fibers from your chest.” Great things still happened though. God gave us Nali, I aced all my papers, met all deadlines, finished my MIL course,took my first real selfie in two years, ended things, began things etc…on the whole 2015 was great but while I was doing all that I forgot to take care of myself hence all the solo trips to clear my head. I am grateful for my family, Iye, Eddy, Okpas and Mummy all of whom I look up to. I love how we rally around each other when one us needs it. I love how our bond has grown stronger over the years despite all the crazy things we have to deal with personally.I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I made great friends this year. Friends that treat me like I have known them for ages. They taught me and supported me and dealt with all my sudden tears and mood swings.I am grateful to God for being on my side even when I wasn’t on my side.I have learnt about the really important things in life,standing up for myself when I dont feel like talking or arguing. I have learnt that sometimes it’s okay to be selfish for your mental well-being. I have learnt that some decisions have to be made no matter how painful they are if you love yourself. I have learnt that not all fights are worth the heartache and even if you dont want to, just say sorry to save your relationship- you should always check your pride at the door when you are dealing with relationships that you cant afford to lose…I promised myself I was just going to write ten lines and be done with it but look at. Lol. anyway I know 2016 will be great. I am very optimistic about the new year and I have my 2016 mantra ready with me. OCEANS by Hillsong-

spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
let me walk upon the water where ever you would call me,
take me deeper than my feet has ever wandered
that my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my saviour
…and I will call upon your name,
and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise
my soul will rest in your embrace
for I am yours and you are mine.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Rip it off….

“Fear is a beast that feeds on attention”
I Came across that phrase in a book I read a long time ago. I was twelve or thirteen then but it has taken me this long to finally understand it. To describe the pain is as difficult as it is frustrating but some things cannot be dealt with by being weak. you can’t keep running away,pretending those problems don’t exist. the more you pretend, you keep picking at the wounds more just to keep tha band-aid on a bit longer. At some point you have to realise that life is for the living. don’t feed your fear.rip that band-aid off, face it and come out stronger.

xxx