The meaning that matters.

paris-647285__340

My whole life has been all about meaning or the search for it. From thinking about the meaning of people’s words and actions as a child, to thinking about the meaning of life as an adult. I remember dressing up  and walking by myself to church sometimes when I was a kid. it wasn’t very far away and it was really safe back then. Now PH is a mess. Anyway, I wanted to know the meaning of God. I wanted to experience what people that spoke in tongues were experiencing. I wanted to see God or at least experience all the heavenly things I read about from books and stories about people who almost died but instead went to heaven and came back.

My whole life has been revolving around why questions. In a way, it has helped me to organize life in general- the things that are important, the ones that aren’t, attitudes, emotions, everything. Still, I have this feeling like I don’t know enough or I haven’t done enough. I remember when I questioned God out loud without remorse or regret because I was going through the hardest years of my life and it felt like I couldn’t hear him anymore. I turned myself inside out and I didn’t like what I saw. I was angry and bitter and confused and alone. I came out of that period with a much more healthier mindset. Some people just know these things as they grow up, I needed a rude awakening.  I still don’t know most  of the answers but I know things that matter a lot and things that aren’t worth anything eg setting out to hurt someone deliberately through words or actions so you can feel superior or cool or whatever, isn’t worth anything. Speaking up for someone who has been hurt like that, matters a lot. The truth is, no matter how much a couple of people realize these things, life will always find a way to mess things up and people react according to what they know and how they have grown. I still haven’t got all of my answers and I still haven’t found the full meaning of life but I know that its important to find out what really matters the most in the grand scheme of life and begin the search from there.

xx