The meaning that matters.

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My whole life has been all about meaning or the search for it. From thinking about the meaning of people’s words and actions as a child, to thinking about the meaning of life as an adult. I remember dressing up  and walking by myself to church sometimes when I was a kid. it wasn’t very far away and it was really safe back then. Now PH is a mess. Anyway, I wanted to know the meaning of God. I wanted to experience what people that spoke in tongues were experiencing. I wanted to see God or at least experience all the heavenly things I read about from books and stories about people who almost died but instead went to heaven and came back.

My whole life has been revolving around why questions. In a way, it has helped me to organize life in general- the things that are important, the ones that aren’t, attitudes, emotions, everything. Still, I have this feeling like I don’t know enough or I haven’t done enough. I remember when I questioned God out loud without remorse or regret because I was going through the hardest years of my life and it felt like I couldn’t hear him anymore. I turned myself inside out and I didn’t like what I saw. I was angry and bitter and confused and alone. I came out of that period with a much more healthier mindset. Some people just know these things as they grow up, I needed a rude awakening.  I still don’t know most  of the answers but I know things that matter a lot and things that aren’t worth anything eg setting out to hurt someone deliberately through words or actions so you can feel superior or cool or whatever, isn’t worth anything. Speaking up for someone who has been hurt like that, matters a lot. The truth is, no matter how much a couple of people realize these things, life will always find a way to mess things up and people react according to what they know and how they have grown. I still haven’t got all of my answers and I still haven’t found the full meaning of life but I know that its important to find out what really matters the most in the grand scheme of life and begin the search from there.

xx

 

2016… Edsensiq

AWAKENING

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2016 dealt a lot of blows to me. These past months have been an eye opener,  a teacher… I was forced to mature and grow even when I thought I had no more room to grow. I felt so much personal pain this year that I didn’t think I would end the year like this. This year I forgot how to be strong…

I work at a job that I love and hate at the same time. You can love something  but loving that thing becomes hard when you are forced to do it over and over. When you have no choice, few options, no freedom… I had to stay at this job because I did not have an option.  When you are young you think that the whole world is open to you, that you can be anything, anyone, go anywhere etc. you never even stop to think that there are factors that will stand in your way like money, family, love… life.  I have always wanted to be a traveler, world changer, writer, makeup artist, actress. Well, I am a mother of two now. I have these two wonderful girls depending on me for everything. I no longer have the luxury of dreams. I have to take care of their every need. As much as I love doing this, parts of me died everyday this year. I watched as everyday, another dream and wish melted away. I did not miss a single day at work this year, I consistently did my best at my job, trying to juggle being a mother, and being a staff, trying to fight back tears everyday and hold my tongue at my boss who can be difficult. 80% of my year consisted of me fighting back tears, sometimes letting them fall behind my palms, feeling sorry for myself and wishing for things to change.

Financially, the year was not as fruitful as I would have wanted.  My needs were many.The economy is in crises. Prices in the market doubled and then tripled. My income did not change. But God was faithful. We survived.

My relationship with my husband this year…In marriage there is hurt, betrayal, love, fulfillment, hate, disappointment, happiness etc. all rolled up in one. Your picture is made up of which of these things you choose to focus the most on. That’s marriage. Its not easy but at the end of the day Love and God continues to win, at the end of the day this is all I know: I love him so much and I feel his love for me, for our family and its like…its like an anchor.

I made very few new friends this year. I’m sure I also lost a lot of old ones. I didn’t give myself to people this year. I was shut in. I was not there for them. Attended very few events, did not call my friends as much, I avoided being seen too much. Not healthy at all.

I added so much weight this year because generally, I was unhappy. You see, my weight is a direct function of my feelings. Lol, I know I’m not alone in this regard.

I did not see my mum as much as I wanted to this year. Because I did not want her to see how much I was struggling.  Her radar for these things is  so strong. I wanted her to see a happy and fulfilled child so every time I saw her, it was with the biggest smile. But she knew. I know that she knew.

So far so grim right? well this is how I felt generally in 2016. This is all I carried with me in 2016 but no more.

Okpas, Cho and Iye were  awesome as always.  I have the best siblings. Cho, went to Paris for school this year and I honestly felt like a part of me was shutting down.  I have always depended on her for a lot.  I see her running after her dreams and it make me so jealous but soooo proud at the same time. She just pushed herself and threw herself at the world and she is doing it well!!!.  I expect great things from this girl. Great things.

I woke up a couple of nights ago thinking that I cannot continue like this. I realize that my state of mind , even though it’s generally affected by the things that happen to me and around me, ultimately, I have the ability to choose. to be happy or unhappy, contented etc. I  have chosen.-

I will no longer just survive, but I will live. I will be happy at all costs. I will eat right and lose weight. I will work harder for my family. I will give myself a deadline and work at leaving my job. I will work on my mental health, improve on my qualifications, work on additional lines of income and most importantly , grow my relationship with God.

2017 will start with me shedding a lot of my beliefs and views on how things should be. I want to expand my thinking and let other views in. I will build new goals, dream new dreams, wish for things and work for them.  I still believe in myself. I have not given up on me yet. I never will.

So I wish all my friends and family the best of the year. I have been reminded of my strength and I know I have won 2017. Cheers.

2016… Jane

JOY

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I started 2016 still living with my two grown up brothers. In July, one of my brothers got married and then the other moved to his own apartment

I started 2016 with an open mind. I was not in a relationship and I was tired of relationships. I was also worried because my internship programme was about to end in May 2016. In April I was so worried that I added so much weight because when I eat then, I forget my worries. LOL . No boyfriend, no job choi.

God changed my story towards the end of April and I met my Fiancé. In October, I was blessed with a Job. I thank God my past relationships failed because my Fiancé is all I prayed for and much more. We did our introduction in December.

This years Christmas is the best Christmas ever  because I had so much peace. Travelling home over the years has not been something I looked forward to and even when I travel I don’t stay long because of the regular question “when are you bringing him?” “When are we going to eat your rice?”.

I thank God for making my 2016 awesome with his blessings . I never knew I will experience this joy today  and I’m so grateful for his blessings upon me and my family.

Thanks Cho, for this opportunity.

Feeling blue 2.

6-7 pm, 03/07/2016

WHAT ABOUT ME?

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I love you with all my heart

even though I have the short end of the stick

I love you with all my heart

even though you take it for granted and take advantage of it

I love you with all my heart

through the years and times when you chose others over me

I love you with all my heart

now that I realize that Loyalty I a strange word to you

I love you and all your flaws

because they make you beautiful, because you expect me to

 

but what about me?