The meaning that matters.

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My whole life has been all about meaning or the search for it. From thinking about the meaning of people’s words and actions as a child, to thinking about the meaning of life as an adult. I remember dressing up  and walking by myself to church sometimes when I was a kid. it wasn’t very far away and it was really safe back then. Now PH is a mess. Anyway, I wanted to know the meaning of God. I wanted to experience what people that spoke in tongues were experiencing. I wanted to see God or at least experience all the heavenly things I read about from books and stories about people who almost died but instead went to heaven and came back.

My whole life has been revolving around why questions. In a way, it has helped me to organize life in general- the things that are important, the ones that aren’t, attitudes, emotions, everything. Still, I have this feeling like I don’t know enough or I haven’t done enough. I remember when I questioned God out loud without remorse or regret because I was going through the hardest years of my life and it felt like I couldn’t hear him anymore. I turned myself inside out and I didn’t like what I saw. I was angry and bitter and confused and alone. I came out of that period with a much more healthier mindset. Some people just know these things as they grow up, I needed a rude awakening.  I still don’t know most  of the answers but I know things that matter a lot and things that aren’t worth anything eg setting out to hurt someone deliberately through words or actions so you can feel superior or cool or whatever, isn’t worth anything. Speaking up for someone who has been hurt like that, matters a lot. The truth is, no matter how much a couple of people realize these things, life will always find a way to mess things up and people react according to what they know and how they have grown. I still haven’t got all of my answers and I still haven’t found the full meaning of life but I know that its important to find out what really matters the most in the grand scheme of life and begin the search from there.

xx

 

The Cloak without fabric.

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Remember ‘forward forward x’ for Shantel  back when SEGA was king? yeah. That was the first MK move that I mastered till I quickly realized it was useless against Noob Saibot. I have been thinking about MK a lot recently and I have no Idea why. Anyway, I started talking long walks everywhere cuz it helps me clear my head and I also reconnected with one of my oldest friend. We have known each other since secondary school and in our story together, there are pages that are empty because we get caught up in life and lose touch but we always manage to pick up where we left and just carry on. He reminded me of how I loved to run in the rain, like I had a notebook fetish or something and I said it’s not because of the notebook. I think, other than a mild nuisance to schedules, the rain is like a cloak for some people. You can hide your tears or your ugly shoes in the rain. If it’s a really heavy rain you can run around and scream and just be a child again. I love it. I think we all need some sort of cloak to help us deal with life sometimes, a hall pass from all the stress and problems we sometimes have to deal with. holding it together 100% of the time is exhausting.  Anyway, apart from the rain, I escape through books and music and I want to share some of what I read and listened to in January:

I went back to a folder that has these gems. My favorite from each-Chasing cars, stacks, how to save a life…

I re-read to kill a mocking-bird and finally finished can you keep a secret. I love Sophie Kinsella. I read a lot more than these actually but these two were my faves.

 

Anyway, I hope you find your cloak if you don’t already have one and if you don’t need one or no longer need one, please let me know.

Be kind to everyone. we are all just trying to figure this life out and we need to be patient with each other. we need to see people just as they are, beyond our own perception of normal. we need to love just for the sake of it and have hope because its necessary

–Cho.

 

 

2016… Cho

STRONGER

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I honestly cannot find the right words for 2016 in general. It was just too painful. every single month had a tragedy. It was like someone put the whole world inside a dryer, put it at the highest speed and ran it the entire year…

Personally I had highs and lows. I didn’t do all I said I would do but at least…I’m here.

A day before I left home I had a an accident. Nobody died or got hurt, thank God. But it was so scary. Typical Nigeria, as soon as the people around saw I was alone things started going left a bit. I tried to talk to the driver that ran into me : I don’t have time, lets discuss how we will settle  but unfortunately, he was an Uber driver. According to him, nothing could be done without the ‘go ahead’ from his office and they took their sweet time. I called Okpas and he showed up in like five minutes. Only him managed to disperse the crowd that had gathered. see ginger. Anyway, we spent the whole day at the Police station just to get police report because , Nigeria. The next day I left. I almost missed my flight. there was no time to cry or even hug goodbye at the airport. swish. the plane took off. I was dazed when I got here. I was exhausted and scared out of my mind. when I finally joined the living the next evening, I read an email Okpas had sent me : Be brave, be a good girl…all that shit. that’s when I started crying. O God! I thought, I’m really and truly alone.

You see, that’s one thing I appreciate about our culture in general. The way we care for one another. Whether or not we are in the mood to care is irrelevant. Remove the family. Down to the society. On twitter you see young people raising money to help others. tuition, medical, jobs… Our government has failed us but we held each other up. I don’t see that a lot here. Everybody is on their own, minding their business. I guess it works for them. It’s just really strange to me. I saw a girl at a train station with little clothes on, begging. People just walked by without a second glance and I thought about Nigeria. One ‘aunty’ would have given her one wrapper, somebody will buy her agege bread. It’s not a lot but I learned something about my culture: our arms are almost always outstretched towards the next person. Its beautiful. I miss the security of being home. I miss having the security that Aunts and Uncles give. -If shit goes down I could always go to Aunt Mayor’s or Uncle Peter’s …

The last four months of 2016, I was so overwhelmed with stress. I felt like I was constantly moving from one problem to the other. No breaks. I started feeling like a fraud. Like I was just faking my way through everyday, I did not lose sight of my goals though. After a while I shrugged off the dark clouds and continued pushing. Life is not your friend. it is not fair and it is not kind to the weak. I was determined to ‘conquer’ every problem. God helped me.

We lost our dearest Uncle Tom Miachi…

My siblings… God how I miss them. I miss my sister so much. I miss the fact that I can’t go and hide from the world at her house anymore. I miss how she ‘mothers and sisters’ me at the same time. Eddy is that one person that gets shit done. No matter what it is Eddy will find a way. She inspires my soul. I spent two weeks with Iye and it was amazing. Iye has a beautiful heart. Always thinking about everybody else, always thinking about the next project… baddest Jagagban.  Okpas was my rock this year, He was in my corner. He likes to pretend like he’s gangster and shit but he loves Drake- take from that what you will. My mother…God please…

I pray like mad everyday for my Family. They are the people who God put on earth to frustrate my life and I wont have it any other way. I love you guys.

2017 will be amazing. I will continue to learn, I will continue to grow. I will continue to win.  I keep rediscovering myself and my abilities. I have so much Faith for my family and myself. we will win 2017. I hope you do too.

Happy New  year!!!

 

2016… Okpas

GOALS

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Okpas ‘jojo’ Enapson

2016……what can I say

It seems like yesterday I wrote a piece about 2015

Bolt speed 2016… I just blinked and it’s the 31st day of December, 2016.

Despite the incredible speed of the year, a lot transpired. A lot made us sad and I must say, it seems like very few things made us thoroughly happy this year.

Yeah yeah, that was a rather bleak thing to say – forgetting the numerous blessings within the enigmatic 2016.

So let me tell you a bit about 2016 from my perspective

Well remember my excerpt from last year right? particularly facing the challenges of private practice in Nigeria. Well in line with that, I had to work and hustle like hell. I pushed myself to unimaginable limits. I had to inculcate a very annoying work ethic and of course (as predicted) I had little or no time for friends I would ordinarily have loved to see on a very regular basis. I hate this side of me and who I’m becoming. It’s true what they say, growing up sucks! (lol).

Anyway, I’m so grateful to God. There’s nothing I love better than having a schedule to go through on a daily basis. Truth is the greater the tasks, the sweeter the income (this quote is mine lol)

Hmm 2016…

I must say maturity is something 2016 brought my way. Patience, tolerance and understanding…I’m not saying I wasn’t my usual self sometimes exploding, especially in traffic (lol). I’m just saying, I guess when you get older, you start hearing that voice that says “yo, chill it’s not worth it” and just like that, I let it go no matter what. Hehe I remember one episode alongside Barr. Barth at the Life Camp Police Station (call me for the full gist lol) boy! I can ginger sha lol.

This confusing 2016…

Well I must speak about the losses within the year. Prince, Mohammed Ali and so many others. Wow 2016 took the icons and the normal. Syria, Nigeria, Paris, Germany are just a few names that really suffered at the hands of terrorism this year. Well, with God all things are possible. I actually tried to stop listening/watching the news this year.So much hate in the world.

Closing this chapter now, this piece is meant to be a happy one.

So my baby sister traveled for her masters this year. Mr. tough guy writing this couldn’t hold it in. He cried like an idiot at the airport. Hahaha I miss the little rascal so much. Thing is, we’ve always been a very closely knitted bunch in my family. We were raised to always do everything together and this is one exquisite attribute of my family so having our youngest, our baby so far away is really scary but again, God is involved.

  • A quote from one of our family portraits makes so much sense to me now

“one ship sails west, another sails east

Under the selfsame wind that blows

It’s not the gale

But the sail that decides where they go!”

Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year Chocho (talk to you later)

And yes……Uncle Tom Miachi. The perfect gentleman. May God continue to comfort the Miachi’s and my family. Looking at pictures of my Dad and Uncle Tom always puts a huge smile on my face despite the endless pain in my heart. It was painful three years ago, It was painful this year too. So my response? I wake up every day and work so hard in honor of their memories. (Kings forever in our hearts RIP Dad, RIP Uncle Tom).

Damn I’m already drained.

I think 2016 was quite dry and just as uninteresting as this piece of mine lol

Recession, bank restrictions etc  . A lot really killed the hopes of Nigerians but remembering all the negatives, I’m no fool. Amidst it all, more miracles were recorded this year. Personally,I traveled a lot this year and that is certainly no cheap miracle : Preservation, provision ,protection and promotion are just the least of the numerous miracles we all ought to be thankful for.

I hope you celebrated Christmas with love and compassion regardless of the economy and I hope you are enthused about the New Year.

Make wishes

Set goals

Have New Year resolutions please, it’s always been tradition to have those and I believe in them.

Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book, by all means, write a good one.

Be optimistic, take risks.

Spend more time with your parents, friends and entire family.

Pray, pray some more and pray a lot more!

Forgive and forget.

Dream and never give up

Remember that popular poem?

 

“Whether the weather be fine

Or whether the weather be not

Whether the weather be cold

Or whether the weather be hot

We’ll weather the weather

Whatever the weather

Whether we like it or not”

 

It is my prayer that we all get to do this again next year and I promise a better happier brighter piece

 

Happy New Year

And Godspeed.

 

 

Okpas ‘Jojo’ Enapson

31-12-2016

11.27pm.

2016… Edsensiq

AWAKENING

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2016 dealt a lot of blows to me. These past months have been an eye opener,  a teacher… I was forced to mature and grow even when I thought I had no more room to grow. I felt so much personal pain this year that I didn’t think I would end the year like this. This year I forgot how to be strong…

I work at a job that I love and hate at the same time. You can love something  but loving that thing becomes hard when you are forced to do it over and over. When you have no choice, few options, no freedom… I had to stay at this job because I did not have an option.  When you are young you think that the whole world is open to you, that you can be anything, anyone, go anywhere etc. you never even stop to think that there are factors that will stand in your way like money, family, love… life.  I have always wanted to be a traveler, world changer, writer, makeup artist, actress. Well, I am a mother of two now. I have these two wonderful girls depending on me for everything. I no longer have the luxury of dreams. I have to take care of their every need. As much as I love doing this, parts of me died everyday this year. I watched as everyday, another dream and wish melted away. I did not miss a single day at work this year, I consistently did my best at my job, trying to juggle being a mother, and being a staff, trying to fight back tears everyday and hold my tongue at my boss who can be difficult. 80% of my year consisted of me fighting back tears, sometimes letting them fall behind my palms, feeling sorry for myself and wishing for things to change.

Financially, the year was not as fruitful as I would have wanted.  My needs were many.The economy is in crises. Prices in the market doubled and then tripled. My income did not change. But God was faithful. We survived.

My relationship with my husband this year…In marriage there is hurt, betrayal, love, fulfillment, hate, disappointment, happiness etc. all rolled up in one. Your picture is made up of which of these things you choose to focus the most on. That’s marriage. Its not easy but at the end of the day Love and God continues to win, at the end of the day this is all I know: I love him so much and I feel his love for me, for our family and its like…its like an anchor.

I made very few new friends this year. I’m sure I also lost a lot of old ones. I didn’t give myself to people this year. I was shut in. I was not there for them. Attended very few events, did not call my friends as much, I avoided being seen too much. Not healthy at all.

I added so much weight this year because generally, I was unhappy. You see, my weight is a direct function of my feelings. Lol, I know I’m not alone in this regard.

I did not see my mum as much as I wanted to this year. Because I did not want her to see how much I was struggling.  Her radar for these things is  so strong. I wanted her to see a happy and fulfilled child so every time I saw her, it was with the biggest smile. But she knew. I know that she knew.

So far so grim right? well this is how I felt generally in 2016. This is all I carried with me in 2016 but no more.

Okpas, Cho and Iye were  awesome as always.  I have the best siblings. Cho, went to Paris for school this year and I honestly felt like a part of me was shutting down.  I have always depended on her for a lot.  I see her running after her dreams and it make me so jealous but soooo proud at the same time. She just pushed herself and threw herself at the world and she is doing it well!!!.  I expect great things from this girl. Great things.

I woke up a couple of nights ago thinking that I cannot continue like this. I realize that my state of mind , even though it’s generally affected by the things that happen to me and around me, ultimately, I have the ability to choose. to be happy or unhappy, contented etc. I  have chosen.-

I will no longer just survive, but I will live. I will be happy at all costs. I will eat right and lose weight. I will work harder for my family. I will give myself a deadline and work at leaving my job. I will work on my mental health, improve on my qualifications, work on additional lines of income and most importantly , grow my relationship with God.

2017 will start with me shedding a lot of my beliefs and views on how things should be. I want to expand my thinking and let other views in. I will build new goals, dream new dreams, wish for things and work for them.  I still believe in myself. I have not given up on me yet. I never will.

So I wish all my friends and family the best of the year. I have been reminded of my strength and I know I have won 2017. Cheers.

2016… Ibingibo.

THANKFUL
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Wow!!! I really can’t believe 2016 is over. It seems just like a month ago I and B left church on the first at 1am after service and now it’s another year already.
A lot has happened in this year, so many things to be grateful for even those things that didn’t seem so great at the time. There’s a song that says “count your blessings, name them one by one”, and I feel like I should do so;
January – I left my comfort zone to England for my LLM despite the forex rate, and it was a scary experience (those who know me know I’m afraid of the unfamiliar).
February was eventful, March, April, May, June…so much happened but if I start typing I won’t stop (plus I have word count to meet up with in my course work)😥😥
In July I welcomed my first godchild, Tamunoemi my beautiful niece (after dealing with her mommy and scaring me silly).
Early August my big brother got married to the sweetest and kindest human.
That same August, B jokingly proposed in the most unromantic and unconventional way possible😂😂 by asking me to elope and do registry wedding. I laughed and warned him not to try me o!
September my godson was born, tweeny actually became someborrys mother!!🤗☺☺ shocking something o!
November I got married, the last thing on my to – do for list 2016😏😏2017 (maybe)…but I married my Ol’gee sooo😋😋😘
December 31st, after having a horrible experience I got the best news ever, my 3rd niece was born😍!!!!!
And somebody will now come and tell me God is not a kind and loving God. I’m sorry if I sound boastful but c’mon, this is just a few of the blessings of my family, not even my own personal blessings o!!! Haaaaaaaa!!!! I have a whole lot to be thankful for.
I’m not saying I didn’t have challenges, trust me I had my fair share but still God kept me, my family and those close to my heart through it all.
I have no resolutions for 2017, I’m just going to wing it😉😉 but I will be a better Christian, daughter, sister, wife, friend and human so help me God!!😇😇
I’m rounding up with my program, moving to a new city to start my life in my new home and I have no idea what to expect but hey, I had plans for 2016 and look how it all worked out better than I expected 👼.
This year I’m trusting God wholly and leaving all my negativity and fears of 2016 behind.
It can only get better😇😇
Happy new year!! 🎶🎶🍾🍾🍾
P/s: I didn’t meet my target goal weight in 2016😣😣 will get back on the wagon this year though*fingers crossed

2016…Ekos

DETERMINATION

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This year came with some great new bits, I finally started school, I learnt a little bit of a new language, I learnt how to live on my own for some time and we had new additions to our family.

This year, life also hit me hard, I lost my father, my first love. I have had to go through different processes of grieving. It was difficult trying to process my loss and continue with life at the same time, But I got to learn that life indeed goes on, little by little.

The only thing you have after you’ve lost a loved one are the memories you have made with them. They stay with you forever. I learned we should always show people who mean a lot to us that we care about them by giving them our time, resources, and so much more, because life is too short.

I learned more about empathy – I shouldn’t minimize people’s grief by comparing it with other people’s sad life events, that I should empathize with friends even when they get a little scratch without making statements like “your own is even small”.

I also learned to say “no” more often. Making myself happy isn’t wrong, and knowing my own true definition of happiness for myself (which for now, apart from the deep stuff we all know is lying on my bed and watching movies I like) is important. I learned I shouldn’t let other people define it for me.

Most of all, I learned about family and real friendship. I learned how important it is to be there for your friends and family when they’re going through a tough or happy time. I used to think a little text from me wouldn’t matter to some people but now I know it does. For the sad times, we all do not like sad events, neither do we know what to say when sad things happen but I now know it is important to reach out no matter what (FYI, text may also include Facebook messages, DMs or Instagram messages, LOL).

In retrospect, by this time last year, I had all kinds of positive feelings about conquering the world and trying my possible best to do so, but I also learnt that sometimes, it is okay to step back from the struggle of being a better version of yourself, relax your brain, have a moment alone and come back stronger. No, it is not laziness, it is simply human not to be a “go-getter” all the time.

In conclusion, I learned the importance of family (it may mean different things to different people), recognizing real and true friendship, meeting up with obligations and taking time out of the constant struggle of life to be better and perfect to relax and have time for the simple things in life.

And yes, I am thankful to God for his abundant gifts of love, knowledge, joy and peace. He indeed has wonderful plans ahead for us in 2017!