The Baby Crocodile in my Living room. (just an ordinary day)

No. we did not actually find a baby crocodile in the house but something else. One afternoon I was alone at home so I started making lunch. I got everything cooking and I went to sit in the Living room for a short spell then I heard a noise coming from the window behind me. All I saw was the snaky tongue of the “thing” and that was enough. I was all alone and I definitely didn’t want it to get inside the house and hide somewhere.after running around and screaming for a while, I saw the head of the animal and concluded that it was a baby snake trying to get inside. I called my mother whose office is thankfully five minutes away so she rushed home with a man and he tried to get it out. only it wasnt a snake anymore because it had arms and legs. at this point I was too scared to think straight and I am sure my mum was too because she went “O God its a crocodile!” err…crocodiles dont just wander about in Abuja. I have never even seen or heard of crocodiles just out and about like that but what time did we have for common sense. the man who was trying to help us just started laughing at us. anyway whatever that thing was, it certainly wasn’t scared at all. it wanted to get inside by all means but it eventually ran away. it wasnt a lizard or a gecko but thank God its gone and thank God it wasnt a crocodile.



4am. 4am who the hell calls at four fucking am!? I cannot begin to wrap my head around this absurdity. I ignore the call thinking he will be sensible enough to realise that I am sleeping, then he calls again. and again and again. I get out to bed as any form of sleep at this moment will have to be induced. I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of milk and think about the events of the night before which has caused Henry to forget his brains in his arse…….
It looked like it was going to be a very promising evening, lots of food, wine and great conversations. I met Henry roughly three months back and we have been doing this dance of getting to know each other and even though he’s always ‘spitting game’ and all, I have played it cool. I liked him and all but I liked the pace and I didn’t want anything to change….I wanted things to just happen you know? anyway,so far so good.Henry Invited me out for a mini dinner party with some friends and I agreed. I don’t know why I was giddy about the thing. I was just….excited. so I got dressed, light make up, flats, my hair down, I looked great (if I dusse so myself). He came to pick me up by five. I love it when I don’t have to get myself to things like this. I always appreciate the effort since I live almost an hour away from the city centre. so at the dinner, everything was going well and everybody was having fun untill a woman walked in. she was obviously a friend of somebody at the dinner and she knew henry as well. so she looks over at where Henry and I are seated and goes ” Mr xxxxx, really nice to see you again, is this your wife?” I should have started paying attention at that point but I just felt she was just kidding around but then Sadiq now goes “that’s true we haven’t seen her in a while o, why are you hiding her now?” I don’t know but I think I stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. mortified, I step outside for air and to call my cab guy to come and take me home. Henry tried to get my attention so we could go somewhere private to talk,kept pinging and sending messages and all till I left. I quietly went off to bed to sleep the confusion off before I was rudely woken up by his calls. I am much calmer now though and just like every problem I’ve ever had where I can’t do anything about it, I pushed it all away, locked up somewhere in my mind and hopefully with time I will forget. I want nothing more to do with Henry but I have trained myself not to harbour anger.
Joy comes in the morning right? I switch off my phone, take two pills and go off to bed.

Another Lousy attempt at Fiction but hey, I am not aiming for a pulitzer 😉

Fact,Fiction and Friendship: Angel eyes.

wow. who is this girl? she seems so nice I’m going to ask her to be my friend. Ndidi. that’s how we became friends. we shared her bed and my locker and it was great. just two twelve-year olds having fun and dealing with “eloho” together. our nemesis that year,but sometimes good things come to an end and it did. we had a fight about something…i’m sure it was very silly but then we weren’t friends anymore. we still talked but…

this story is not about that though. it’s about Chioma and Ndidi and I….so two years later we had grown up a little and those two had become great friends. I met chioma the previous year and liked her instantly. I didn’t know she liked me back until she ran to hug me when I came back late to school one time…we didn’t hug though because she fell and sprained her wrist. she’s a fireball that one. 🙂
so yeah…back to the story…I didn’t have a seatmate and both didn’t even have seats in our new class so I figured we could share mine till they find theirs….they never did but I was cool with that. God we had fun. uncle bennet, sidi and baroka,archie comics and the importance of telling the truth because chioma the investigator would find out. Always!….and there were times we each had our ‘scandals’ in school and looking back, it was nice to have someone who was on your side regardless of how they felt about your recent “fuck up”. The James ebute incident? after receiving my punishment I went back to those two and cried, then I went to my room with my brave face I mean,after all I was known for my ability to “chest- one prep night, I had foolishly gone in place of Alasia to go and get ‘punished’ by “p.o damisa” and smiled while my fingers throbbed with pain. This guy would deal with you till all the blood cleared from that area and your skin became slightly transparent for a few minutes. I kid you not. After prep that night, I couldnt even take my clothes off. I just went to bed quietly and slept off the pain.I was a foolish child then. lol.
so we move on to the next year and this year….this was the year I got to know chioma really well. we got into serious trouble together,she was the one I would run to when I had ‘gist’,she had a witch for a school mother and we were all obligated to provide dinner for some seniors or face death each and every night.The dinning hall prefect became our best friend he just had to oh and our friends who came to seek assylum in our room. hanny and soty…we had fun that year. we formed a clique just because we wanted one. Chioma, Ndidi and I, then we invited some girls to join and the main purpose of the clique was to eat food. it was glorious. untill the night we ate Ndidi’s food she was furious. anyway, the others kinda left the clique for one reason or the other and it was just us three left. then Ndidi and chioma had a fight. I don’t even know what it was about but I knew it was not forever. Those two loved themselves to bits. It was valentines and I got a cute kitten. I am terrified of cats but I had to pretend because word could travel fast back then. I would keep it in my bed and kick it out after lights out and my friend, chioma would help me carry it to class and it would climb all over her buxom body and all the boys would drool and wish they were the kitten. oh also there was a senior who was crazy about cats so she would take it and it would be with her for daaays. I took it home for mid-term and my mother gave it away…norix was its name. what kind of name is norix anyway? then I broke up with my boyfriend and rumours started going around and it was pretty shitty. There was even one that said Chioma and I were lesbian lovers. hahahahaha. Ndidi had her own problems, she used to like a certain short dude but he was just doing anyhow…The seniors in her room were little witches but we all got through that stage…Ndidi is a very brave girl I mean, so many horrible things people would say to her but she was still so strong and confident and she was blossoming, slowly but it was happening…
Then along came poko and my friend Chioma was gone in the brain. literally. like we would tease her about his head and she would just have this silly grin on her face it was terrible to watch but also so sweet at the same time. terrible because he was a year ahead of us and well that rarely ever worked did it? but sweet because she was in luuuuurrrrrvvvvv…. that was a roller coaster year for each of us. and that was also the year of the ass for Ndidi. her ass that is. damn. 😀
Chioma came with her phone to school which was pretty awesome till one scally wag snitched. everybody warned Chioma but nooooo she wants to be friendly,she likes her, bladi bla bla. well there you go….

visiting days,punishments,laughter, tears and a broken bottle of Chioma’s favourite perfume, our last year together came around.we had watched our classmates steal each others boyfriends and stab eachother in the back poko had left school, Ndidi had long since moved on from the short boy debacle and all other rubbish the other kids were spewing and I was single like a pringle. life was pretty normal until the letter. that letter served as the beginning of the boys vs girls war and we all just couldn’t wait to leave school… then I almost had a fight with Eloho because she told chioma she could not bathe in the bathroom because she just had it cleaned. I was on the way to the bathroom myself and I said how can you tell us not to bathe so we went ahead. let me just say this, I was pretty sure the girl was going to beat me black and blue. I mean..we were scared of that girl. she was strong and mean. Anyway Eloho came to clean out my teeth and fleece my skin but she just yelled and yelled and threatened till she left. ( Thank you master Jesus) I almost peed my pants. Chioma laughed at me through out that day. oh my God how can I forget Sotonye’s great bathroom fall?!!! we were hiding in the toilets because we didnt want to go out for labour like seven or eight of us. so we started to tip toe out to check if the officers had gone then Sotonye slipped, danced,danced,danced and finally fell on the floor it was hilarious and I started laughing. The other girls thought I was being mean so I tried to stop laughing. we helped Soty up but we had to hide again because the officers were back. after a while we were tiptoeing out again and then Sotonye slipped again! This time it was simply glorious and the other girls couldn’t help it. It was just too funny. It wasnt funny later when Soty’s body started hurting but lord. hahahahaha…..we had lots of moments together…great and not so great moments….Chioma,Ndidi and I.
.. then the great big fight about nothing. I and Chioma just stopped talking and it was annoying and painful but we still joined our bunks together every night.hahaha. at least she ended that stupid quarell with Ndidi and they became best friends again…we picked our friendship right back after school but then life happened…school, distance, we havent seen each other in years but we will soon,hopefully
..Ndidi is a budding OAP..Chioma is an entrepreneur and I became a Lawyer 😀 …I have the best memories with those girls, I love them with all my heart. we all have a piece of each other with us wherever we are, wherever we go….Old friends are truly Golden.


Madam Isi’s Beauty shop.

Hmmm. Aausa people no good. That time wey I dey karu, my son just come, see blood for im head. na my neighbour son carry stone knack am o. I just rush am go hospital, them clean the wound, Bandage the head. As I dey reach house I see that my neighbour son for road. Na so I carry stone Knack am for I’m head too. See blood everywhere. I run enter house naim im mother come dey shout. See fight that day. The woman son say na play dem them dey play. Hmmm no carry my pikin play o


You ready?

“Oh. Yes. Yes. God. Right there. Ugh. To the left. Slowly Right there. Right there…right…no no no don’t stop. ..
.. *sigh* I love getting my hair washed….


“Madam welcome”
Ehen. Where is oyinye? She still hasn’t come to work? See. You people are here o when I start shouting it would be like I’m being wicked. She is not ready to work. Hello aunty what style do you want to make?……

“Ah suzy long time ooo. Haaayyy cash madam. See your bag. You’re leaving already? Hope my girls didn’t give you wahaala o
Okay then take care.”

See that girl who just left here? She finished secondary school and refused to write jamb because one man has been deceiving her…her mother has not seen her this year. from one man’s house to another. One woman came here to beat her and told her to leave her husband alone. They will soon pour her acid on her one day.
“Ozy! I’ve told you I don’t want to be seeing hair on the floor. As soon as you’re done sweep it up. You just want me to shout on you before you rest. Nonsense.”

Madame! Madame! I see aunty blessing for outside. E be like say she enter dem bassey dia shop.
Ha! That’s good. She will see pepper today. Aunty please I’ll be right back. This woman has been owing me since.


“Ozy, where oyinye dey na?
Hmmm, My sister you know that day wey we close around 10 wey I say I no go fit go my house make I follow oyinye go her house? As we dey go that man wey dey come drop madam come stop for us say make im help us. I no even know the time wey e collect oyinye number. Na one day wey she say she no fit come work say she dey sick, after work I go her house naim I jam two of them for dia o.
“Haaaaaaa!!! Ozy! Haaaaaaaaay”
Hmmm Nkechi abeg you too shout. Abeg no put me for trouble o”
Ehen. All that her new jeems and phone wey she buy say na her elder brother wey come from abroad. Na the man ooo…hmm Oyinye get mind..she tell me say..shhhhhh! Madam don come.

“Stupid girl! Pay me my money o this one I did today is small. Nonsense.” aunty please don’t be angry. Some people just want you to behave like a mad person before they will pay you your money……

Aunty your hair is fine!
Thank you. Madam how much?..

.ok bye.


N.B. Lots of my friends say they love salons because of stories like this. This I can tolerate. I’d prefer it if they were quiet but that’s an almost Impossible thing in these parts. It’s the ones that try to chat with you that annoy me. Like I’m there to just relax and have my hair or nails done not tell you my life history. *sigh* toodles.

Two stories: puppies and road rage.

1. One of my puppies ran out the gate and into the neighbors farm. I went out to get it. I called and whistled but it just wouldn’t come. I couldn’t go n get it because….better the snakes get him than me you know…( I love you puppy). Genius. Let me get the bigger dogs to come get it, I thought. But they wouldn’t come outside the gate. You see usually they sneak out and wait at the gate till someone opens up but me giving them green light to go out was strange.( that’s why they should legalize marijuana. once it becomes okay to smoke it, fewer people would smoke it because…no thrill) Hahahahaha don’t mind me. marijuana is bad for you.) anyway, Pharaoh finally came out…then subsidy. and when my beloved puppy saw her mummy and daddy, she followed them back into the house. this is a completely pointless story but I thought it was sweet so stop rolling your eyes and yes one of my dog’s name is subsidy because we got her on the day that subsidy /occupy Nigeria stuff started.

2. I’m a new driver that doesn’t have a big red L.I drove out last Saturday to go get stuff from one supermarket and I almost hit another car. I was day dreaming which is terrible for me because I get lost. Totally lost in it. And if you must know this particular one was about a boy and how we would fall in love. Anyway I had this stupid grin on my face as I very nearly almost hit the other car and the man screamed at me : you dey mad o! Something dey worry you!. I drove away not minding him. Let me become an expert first you will see road rage. Speaking of road rage okpase is the prince. “My friend get out! I will jam this Idiot. Look at. Just look at. Why is this one making noise? If you enter my front. MOVE!!!! Etc…it’s scary to watch because after screaming all those things he would just easily fall back into whatever conversation we were having. Oh and he never yells if it’s a fine girl driving. If it’s a married woman he’d just say “Urgh. Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive”. And if the car is fine and shiny? You can enter his front.smh.