The meaning that matters.


My whole life has been all about meaning or the search for it. From thinking about the meaning of people’s words and actions as a child, to thinking about the meaning of life as an adult. I remember dressing up  and walking by myself to church sometimes when I was a kid. it wasn’t very far away and it was really safe back then. Now PH is a mess. Anyway, I wanted to know the meaning of God. I wanted to experience what people that spoke in tongues were experiencing. I wanted to see God or at least experience all the heavenly things I read about from books and stories about people who almost died but instead went to heaven and came back.

My whole life has been revolving around why questions. In a way, it has helped me to organize life in general- the things that are important, the ones that aren’t, attitudes, emotions, everything. Still, I have this feeling like I don’t know enough or I haven’t done enough. I remember when I questioned God out loud without remorse or regret because I was going through the hardest years of my life and it felt like I couldn’t hear him anymore. I turned myself inside out and I didn’t like what I saw. I was angry and bitter and confused and alone. I came out of that period with a much more healthier mindset. Some people just know these things as they grow up, I needed a rude awakening.  I still don’t know most  of the answers but I know things that matter a lot and things that aren’t worth anything eg setting out to hurt someone deliberately through words or actions so you can feel superior or cool or whatever, isn’t worth anything. Speaking up for someone who has been hurt like that, matters a lot. The truth is, no matter how much a couple of people realize these things, life will always find a way to mess things up and people react according to what they know and how they have grown. I still haven’t got all of my answers and I still haven’t found the full meaning of life but I know that its important to find out what really matters the most in the grand scheme of life and begin the search from there.




The Cloak without fabric.


Remember ‘forward forward x’ for Shantel  back when SEGA was king? yeah. That was the first MK move that I mastered till I quickly realized it was useless against Noob Saibot. I have been thinking about MK a lot recently and I have no Idea why. Anyway, I started talking long walks everywhere cuz it helps me clear my head and I also reconnected with one of my oldest friend. We have known each other since secondary school and in our story together, there are pages that are empty because we get caught up in life and lose touch but we always manage to pick up where we left and just carry on. He reminded me of how I loved to run in the rain, like I had a notebook fetish or something and I said it’s not because of the notebook. I think, other than a mild nuisance to schedules, the rain is like a cloak for some people. You can hide your tears or your ugly shoes in the rain. If it’s a really heavy rain you can run around and scream and just be a child again. I love it. I think we all need some sort of cloak to help us deal with life sometimes, a hall pass from all the stress and problems we sometimes have to deal with. holding it together 100% of the time is exhausting.  Anyway, apart from the rain, I escape through books and music and I want to share some of what I read and listened to in January:

I went back to a folder that has these gems. My favorite from each-Chasing cars, stacks, how to save a life…

I re-read to kill a mocking-bird and finally finished can you keep a secret. I love Sophie Kinsella. I read a lot more than these actually but these two were my faves.


Anyway, I hope you find your cloak if you don’t already have one and if you don’t need one or no longer need one, please let me know.

Be kind to everyone. we are all just trying to figure this life out and we need to be patient with each other. we need to see people just as they are, beyond our own perception of normal. we need to love just for the sake of it and have hope because its necessary