Rip it off….

“Fear is a beast that feeds on attention”
I Came across that phrase in a book I read a long time ago. I was twelve or thirteen then but it has taken me this long to finally understand it. To describe the pain is as difficult as it is frustrating but some things cannot be dealt with by being weak. you can’t keep running away,pretending those problems don’t exist. the more you pretend, you keep picking at the wounds more just to keep tha band-aid on a bit longer. At some point you have to realise that life is for the living. don’t feed your fear.rip that band-aid off, face it and come out stronger.

xxx

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For Peace Of Mind….

Letting go is never easy, especially when you make the choice yourself….but some relationships are just not worth the headache. Some Friendships are really terrible for your well-being but you hold on anyway Using the excuse that nobody is perfect. I agree. nobody is perfect but I don’t have to cringe anytime my phone rings and it’s ‘my friend’ calling. I don’t have to hide things because even though you’re my friend, I really don’t trust you. What is the point?
There are some friends that are so nice when it’s just you two but as soon as a third person walks in, they start putting you down and making you feel small. Please for your sake cut off that person from your life.
There are friends that don’t care about anybody but themselves. They don’t take time to know you. This is why you can be friends for years and they can’t tell when you are angry or sad or what it takes to get you angry or sad. To them you are just a person they call a friend so that when they talk about themselves they can say oh yeah, I have friends. Stay away.
There are those that I call snakes. They never get angry with you or tell you when you’ve done something wrong but as soon as you step out the door everybody from your mother to the mail carrier thinks you are such a terrible person. when you get back, it’s all smiles and sunshine and rainbows……the ones that manage to turn everybody against you while smiling to your face. Apologize for whatever you did and run away.
The relationships where you are constantly abused physically. Emotionally,verbally. Please Find strength and run away. People who abuse you will run you down till you feel worthless and you won’t believe anything else. Please. Run very far away from such partners/ relationships.
There are the ones that just take and take and take and take and take and take till you have nothing left and then they take your nothing.
There are the ones that are in constant competition with you. They want everything you have even the people in your life. They will step all over you to get to where they think you are going. Just end it.
Sometimes,to give them the benefit of doubt, you have to ask. Sit them down and tell them how you feel. A true friend will genuinely make an effort to correct their mistakes if they truly value the relationship they will try to meet you half way at the very least. But if not…..why bother? It’s never an easy thing to do but if you love yourself and you want peace of mind you have to stay away from negativity…..if you are not happy, it’s not worth it.

Shit!

4am. 4am who the hell calls at four fucking am!? I cannot begin to wrap my head around this absurdity. I ignore the call thinking he will be sensible enough to realise that I am sleeping, then he calls again. and again and again. I get out to bed as any form of sleep at this moment will have to be induced. I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of milk and think about the events of the night before which has caused Henry to forget his brains in his arse…….
It looked like it was going to be a very promising evening, lots of food, wine and great conversations. I met Henry roughly three months back and we have been doing this dance of getting to know each other and even though he’s always ‘spitting game’ and all, I have played it cool. I liked him and all but I liked the pace and I didn’t want anything to change….I wanted things to just happen you know? anyway,so far so good.Henry Invited me out for a mini dinner party with some friends and I agreed. I don’t know why I was giddy about the thing. I was just….excited. so I got dressed, light make up, flats, my hair down, I looked great (if I dusse so myself). He came to pick me up by five. I love it when I don’t have to get myself to things like this. I always appreciate the effort since I live almost an hour away from the city centre. so at the dinner, everything was going well and everybody was having fun untill a woman walked in. she was obviously a friend of somebody at the dinner and she knew henry as well. so she looks over at where Henry and I are seated and goes ” Mr xxxxx, really nice to see you again, is this your wife?” I should have started paying attention at that point but I just felt she was just kidding around but then Sadiq now goes “that’s true we haven’t seen her in a while o, why are you hiding her now?” I don’t know but I think I stopped breathing for a couple of seconds. mortified, I step outside for air and to call my cab guy to come and take me home. Henry tried to get my attention so we could go somewhere private to talk,kept pinging and sending messages and all till I left. I quietly went off to bed to sleep the confusion off before I was rudely woken up by his calls. I am much calmer now though and just like every problem I’ve ever had where I can’t do anything about it, I pushed it all away, locked up somewhere in my mind and hopefully with time I will forget. I want nothing more to do with Henry but I have trained myself not to harbour anger.
Joy comes in the morning right? I switch off my phone, take two pills and go off to bed.

xxx
Another Lousy attempt at Fiction but hey, I am not aiming for a pulitzer 😉

A Cup Of Ambition….Please.

Can I have a cup of ambition please
To help me want to open my eyes in the morning.
To help me remember to say my prayers
To help me to remember to smile
To help me not resent the world.
Please hurry up….the cup of ambition
I’m Tired. I’m Tired. I’m tired. I’m so tired .
I see him everywhere, I miss him all the time
I don’t know how to share there’s no one there to hear.
I’ve lost my will to live….yeah turn up I’ll be on my couch.
Don’t talk to me….I don’t want to talk to anyone….leave me be but please don’t take it personal
I’m changing rapidly. I’m scared of this new me. I don’t know her but she is empty. I push away people I fancy, people who fancy me…pfft…I don’t even care anymore….This New Life….His absence….I think it wants to break Itself on my back….It wants to break me….
I won’t break. He never broke, So I won’t break.
But it hurts so bad.
It hurts that I love this loneliness. It hurts that nobody can see through my act….who am I kidding. I’m perfect. Nobody can see through except God.
God.
God.
God…..*sigh*
Can I please have a cup of ambition please….lots of sugar
Very soon,with God I’ll be at ease.