Hey you, I am very much alive.
Don’t be surprised…..
I am not the kind of girl who lives by the narratives of men.
I write my own narratives and I know that pisses you off like hell. Too bad.
I have been lost once…I fought many demons along the way. sex, drugs ,money,
My essential self, you wanted to take that away from me, I almost erased myself.
I regressed further into myself taking all my cuts with me because
I felt it was the price to pay to find true passion.
You described me as a very polite, very young girl without a clue-
I am very polite and I’m young but you mistook my youth for naiveté
probably because of my tendency to care the old-fashioned way….with all of me.
For that I am not sorry.
You do not like women. You think you do but you don’t. This is because,
I have never heard you speak about a woman unless it’s about her physical attributes or sexuality.
I remember everything. Every conversation, every goddamn thing… I still feel.
I wanted to be mad at you. I wanted to unleash my crazy…..but I hold no anger against you. I have never been able to hold grudges in my life. I get angry and then I stop being angry, but it’s not that. I just realize that you do not deserve the “exquisiteness of my fury”. You may have loved me in your own way. but you were never able to unravel me. You disappoint me. You have so much more in you but that nagging disgusting habit you have that makes you compare yourself to your friends, to everybody, its making you rotten and Oh I have seen how rotten your Insides are.
You looked at me with pity because I didn’t fit the perfect projection you crafted in your mind. You thought I had Issues…Issues. I have no friends, just people I know and you made me feel like there was something wrong with me. No. I just want to be truly seen and understood.I refuse to miss-spend my youth wallowing in this mistake, any mistake. I believe that I can be loved in spite of my quirks, because of my quirks. You think I need a knight in shining Armour and you think I’m ruined. Me? ruined? I am stark raving mad but that’s ok. If the fact that I want to be passionate, I want to love with poetry and passion, I want a man worthy of my mind and my body,I want someone to be hungry for me for a change, If all that makes me mad then so be it. The buzz is there babe. The buzz is still there. That’s the thing about antiquated love. It wont be there forever though. I don’t intend for it to be there forever. that’s why I’m stepping back into myself….the cold you feel? that’s your loneliness… if any one needs saving, its you.
I am flesh and bones, fire and poetry, yes baby, I am alive.