c’est la friggin vie! (King James version)

These be the words which I speak unto all that graceth this blog with their presence:
Knowest thou you that shit doth happeneth? For how long will thou continue to blame thyself for every bad thing thou hath done or experienced? Knowest thou not that life happeneth around you everyday? For how long will thou continue to focus on the wrong things? For how long will thou continue to be bullied into submitting to another person’s version of how to live your life? Is thou not tired?
Knowest thou not that if thou doth focus on the wrong things…Ye shall lose out on the best experiences of life? Money, status etc all are good and splendid to have but to acquire them must thou lose sight of what is really important? Does thou love? Does thou have joy in thy heart? Is thou at peace? Is thou patient? Is thou kind and good and faithful and gentle? Does thou have self control? Those are what’s really important in this life. Thou must not give in to the pressure to conform to the accepted ways and behaviors. thou has been given brain to use, to imagine, to create…..why then does thou rely on another’s creation?
Thou sayest to me: but i’m being pressured to do this and that. Hear Ye this day, it is only pressure when thou stoopest to let the world place that burden on your back. Thou must shut thy mouth, stop complaining and stand up.
This is life.
It’s full of ups and downs but it is thou alone that maketh it a sad life or a happy life. Sure there is an impending world war three somewhere in the future ( God forbid) and putin is our modern day mini, mini,extra mini Hitler, hunger,ebola virus :s and all the other bad things but that does not mean there are no good things to focus on. There’s love, kindness..good food, great conversations,red wine,great friends, ice cream and plantain etc…mmmmm plantain. soft,oily golden , buttery brown goodness of li *slaps self*…babies, sun, rain, sheldon cooper and all the other great and wonderful things that thou thinketh in thy heart.
This is life…love it with all thine heart,live it with all thine might and it will be lovely.

xxx

NB: I’m sorry. 😀

SOS2HEAVEN

Hi, I am cho. Can I write about you?

Do you test fate? Do you step on the gas pedal a little harder because you don’t know how to calm your depression?

Do you sometimes wonder whats the point of everything? Do you sometimes question God?
Are you angry with God?

A few years ago I knew of change but not of this kind.
Have you noticed that children no longer come out to play again? I remember running around with kids in the neighborhood till late but now the world is not that safe anymore. We don’t trust ourselves anymore so now the kids remain inside and all the games that were passed on to us are gradually dying with us.

Sometimes when I can’t write the pain away, it pours into my soul feeling me with so much grey- Damn I really need to talk to you.

Have you noticed how she has a new dark side? My God you used to adore her but how did she get so insensitive to others people’s pain?. How is it so easy for her to point, leg deep in a pool of oil at someone else in a pool of their own and laugh while they go through hell? and when you call her out she brushes it off because she doesn’t care that the ripple she has caused will stop at someone’s feet and unleash pain that is best forgotten?

When are you going to poke the watery glass in your eyes and let it rain?
I have learned the hard way that if I have to cry, I have to take it outside. That there is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them. That even though you are breaking to pieces inside you have to master the art of smiling through it.

You know what’s going on today, the impending war, your loved ones terminal illness, the sorry state of your bank account and the loneliness of your heart. The way your siblings challenge your love, the way you lose friends like a pin on the floor. You have already started seeing the symptoms of low blood sugar or high blood pressure. You’re not sure but there is something wrong.

Do you feel sad to know that you live among the most insensitive scum of the earth that blame unemployed youth for their own death because they were desperate for employment “sorry mister scum I won’t try to make something of myself because you see. I died trying to do that.” or the ones that will say “yes she deserved to be raped because of whatever stupid flimsy reason.

……..

I have been running on reserve for the past five months but I know that even when winning is Illogical, losing is far from optional.
You can let fire burn you or you can let it purify you.
Paper, pen…..sos2heaven.

Random thoughts in sickness and in health + some lovely tips from people I admire.

1.when someone royally pisses you off, take a deep breath and go get your nails done. For guys do whatever it is that you guys do.

2. When life happens to you I pray you have someone by your side holding your hand.

3. Try to be there for your friends when they are going through shit.if you are not there, when they get through it,they are done with you.

4. Do not drink lemon water everyday. You will get cavities.

5.Remain calm.

6. Try not to throw your drugs away and worry your mother. After all drugs are only disgusting and bitter little pills that sometimes refuse to go down with the water so you freak out and throw up your entire existence …

7. I miss you but I refuse to be ruled by my feelings. “I will na be ya bish”

8. There is absolutely nothing cuter than when you’re kneeling beside the bed because of cramps and he kneels down beside you….*sigh* you people are enjoying.

9. I would like to be my husband’s “maga” too.

10. Do not try to compete with a random jogger on the road. You will embarrass your lineage.

11. RIP Mr Rabbit. 😦

12. I need a vacation.

13. Remain calm. Seriously. Apparently people admire your ability to stay calm when others are freaking out. * this is just me tutting my horn because of what stu said* 🙂

14. *ahbabybobo* 😦

15. I’m that mad person that makes funny faces at people in other cars in traffic.

16. Eddy love, I am not depressed.

17. Stuuuuuuuuu ma nigga! Thank you.

18. People, please have boundaries. Use your head.

19. If the person doesn’t pick after two calls, please send a text.

20. Love is all that matters.

xxx

Madam Isi’s Beauty shop.

Hmmm. Aausa people no good. That time wey I dey karu, my son just come, see blood for im head. na my neighbour son carry stone knack am o. I just rush am go hospital, them clean the wound, Bandage the head. As I dey reach house I see that my neighbour son for road. Na so I carry stone Knack am for I’m head too. See blood everywhere. I run enter house naim im mother come dey shout. See fight that day. The woman son say na play dem them dey play. Hmmm no carry my pikin play o

Wait.

…….
You ready?

“Oh. Yes. Yes. God. Right there. Ugh. To the left. Slowly Right there. Right there…right…no no no don’t stop. ..
.. *sigh* I love getting my hair washed….

Ehen…

“Madam welcome”
Ehen. Where is oyinye? She still hasn’t come to work? See. You people are here o when I start shouting it would be like I’m being wicked. She is not ready to work. Hello aunty what style do you want to make?……

“Ah suzy long time ooo. Haaayyy cash madam. See your bag. You’re leaving already? Hope my girls didn’t give you wahaala o
Okay then take care.”

See that girl who just left here? She finished secondary school and refused to write jamb because one man has been deceiving her…her mother has not seen her this year. from one man’s house to another. One woman came here to beat her and told her to leave her husband alone. They will soon pour her acid on her one day.
“Ozy! I’ve told you I don’t want to be seeing hair on the floor. As soon as you’re done sweep it up. You just want me to shout on you before you rest. Nonsense.”
….

Madame! Madame! I see aunty blessing for outside. E be like say she enter dem bassey dia shop.
Ha! That’s good. She will see pepper today. Aunty please I’ll be right back. This woman has been owing me since.

….

“Ozy, where oyinye dey na?
Hmmm, My sister you know that day wey we close around 10 wey I say I no go fit go my house make I follow oyinye go her house? As we dey go that man wey dey come drop madam come stop for us say make im help us. I no even know the time wey e collect oyinye number. Na one day wey she say she no fit come work say she dey sick, after work I go her house naim I jam two of them for dia o.
“Haaaaaaa!!! Ozy! Haaaaaaaaay”
Hmmm Nkechi abeg you too shout. Abeg no put me for trouble o”
Ehen. All that her new jeems and phone wey she buy say na her elder brother wey come from abroad. Na the man ooo…hmm Oyinye get mind..she tell me say..shhhhhh! Madam don come.

“Stupid girl! Pay me my money o this one I did today is small. Nonsense.” aunty please don’t be angry. Some people just want you to behave like a mad person before they will pay you your money……

Aunty your hair is fine!
Thank you. Madam how much?..

.ok bye.

xxx

N.B. Lots of my friends say they love salons because of stories like this. This I can tolerate. I’d prefer it if they were quiet but that’s an almost Impossible thing in these parts. It’s the ones that try to chat with you that annoy me. Like I’m there to just relax and have my hair or nails done not tell you my life history. *sigh* toodles.

Two stories: puppies and road rage.

1. One of my puppies ran out the gate and into the neighbors farm. I went out to get it. I called and whistled but it just wouldn’t come. I couldn’t go n get it because….better the snakes get him than me you know…( I love you puppy). Genius. Let me get the bigger dogs to come get it, I thought. But they wouldn’t come outside the gate. You see usually they sneak out and wait at the gate till someone opens up but me giving them green light to go out was strange.( that’s why they should legalize marijuana. once it becomes okay to smoke it, fewer people would smoke it because…no thrill) Hahahahaha don’t mind me. marijuana is bad for you.) anyway, Pharaoh finally came out…then subsidy. and when my beloved puppy saw her mummy and daddy, she followed them back into the house. this is a completely pointless story but I thought it was sweet so stop rolling your eyes and yes one of my dog’s name is subsidy because we got her on the day that subsidy /occupy Nigeria stuff started.

2. I’m a new driver that doesn’t have a big red L.I drove out last Saturday to go get stuff from one supermarket and I almost hit another car. I was day dreaming which is terrible for me because I get lost. Totally lost in it. And if you must know this particular one was about a boy and how we would fall in love. Anyway I had this stupid grin on my face as I very nearly almost hit the other car and the man screamed at me : you dey mad o! Something dey worry you!. I drove away not minding him. Let me become an expert first you will see road rage. Speaking of road rage okpase is the prince. “My friend get out! I will jam this Idiot. Look at. Just look at. Why is this one making noise? If you enter my front. MOVE!!!! Etc…it’s scary to watch because after screaming all those things he would just easily fall back into whatever conversation we were having. Oh and he never yells if it’s a fine girl driving. If it’s a married woman he’d just say “Urgh. Women shouldn’t be allowed to drive”. And if the car is fine and shiny? You can enter his front.smh.

For Her…..

Hey you, I am very much alive.

Don’t be surprised…..
I am not the kind of girl who lives by the narratives of men.
I write my own narratives and I know that pisses you off like hell. Too bad.
I have been lost once…I fought many demons along the way. sex, drugs ,money,
eating disorders…YOU.
My essential self, you wanted to take that away from me, I almost erased myself.
I regressed further into myself taking all my cuts with me because
I felt it was the price to pay to find true passion.
You described me as a very polite, very young girl without a clue-
I am very polite and I’m young but you mistook my youth for naiveté
probably because of my tendency to care the old-fashioned way….with all of me.
For that I am not sorry.
You do not like women. You think you do but you don’t. This is because,
I have never heard you speak about a woman unless it’s about her physical attributes or sexuality.
I remember everything. Every conversation, every goddamn thing… I still feel.
I wanted to be mad at you. I wanted to unleash my crazy…..but I hold no anger against you. I have never been able to hold grudges in my life. I get angry and then I stop being angry, but it’s not that. I just realize that you do not deserve the “exquisiteness of my fury”. You may have loved me in your own way. but you were never able to unravel me. You disappoint me. You have so much more in you but that nagging disgusting habit you have that makes you compare yourself to your friends, to everybody, its making you rotten and Oh I have seen how rotten your Insides are.
You looked at me with pity because I didn’t fit the perfect projection you crafted in your mind. You thought I had Issues…Issues. I have no friends, just people I know and you made me feel like there was something wrong with me. No. I just want to be truly seen and understood.I refuse to miss-spend my youth wallowing in this mistake, any mistake. I believe that I can be loved in spite of my quirks, because of my quirks. You think I need a knight in shining Armour and you think I’m ruined. Me? ruined? I am stark raving mad but that’s ok. If the fact that I want to be passionate, I want to love with poetry and passion, I want a man worthy of my mind and my body,I want someone to be hungry for me for a change, If all that makes me mad then so be it. The buzz is there babe. The buzz is still there. That’s the thing about antiquated love. It wont be there forever though. I don’t intend for it to be there forever. that’s why I’m stepping back into myself….the cold you feel? that’s your loneliness… if any one needs saving, its you.
I am flesh and bones, fire and poetry, yes baby, I am alive.