I feel so alone.
I try my best during the day to give my best fake smiles and my best fake happy attitudes but as the sun goes down… I literally feel heavy and find it difficult to move. All the pain, the pretense, looking for someone to talk to but running into people who don’t understand, people who tell me I’m OK, people who make me feel like I’m stupid for feeling the way I feel and people who simply cannot be ‘talked’ to. As I climbed slowly up the stairs to my room so many memories rush at me at once then I start to cry. Alone. Because alone is when I can truly be.
I remember back in 2011, I came back from school seriously ill so my mum and dad took me to the hospital and of course they had to do a blood test. I hate needles no matter how old I get I won’t stop freaking out despite disgusted looks from the nurses. (Wicked Nigerian nurses). Do you know what my dad did? He started talking to me about….I can’t even remember. I just know I turned to look at him thinking…”yeah..perfect tim…OUCH!!. Only, it didn’t hurt as much because I was distracted.
I remember when I was about eleven..My dad came home from Kano and as usual, I ran to go and jump all over him. That was the first time I thought…”Aren’t I getting too big for this?” Yeah. Puberty. Or whatever.
He worked his ass off so we would have everything. He is not perfect. He is so far from perfect. My dad is annoying. He will annoy you till you feel your blood boiling. And like all parents…trust him to somehow embarrass the socks off you in public. But he’s sweet…and too attached to us. Before my sister got married, series of mini world wars had to take place before he let her go. My aunt told us a story of when the eldest was just a baby and he was crying uncontrollably and nothing seemed to pacify him. That my dad just joined in! He started crying too..it could have just been frustration but let’s not take the sweetness out of that little tale shall we?
I was eight when I saw what my dad wrote at the back of his Bible. A small prayer for me…my future and even my future husband…of course I proceeded to colour the holes in the letters with a pen but now and then…I remember that prayer and whisper Amen. The day of my call, he went all out…invited his friends from all over the country…he was so proud of me. He made that day for me.
My dad is a weird man…all the weird things he did/does…just gives you small glimpses of the bigger picture. A man with a large heart…a really scared parent, constantly thinking of his kids. there are just too many sweet moments… He is my dad. And he is the best. I love you so so much.
Happy 60th Dad.
That was what I wrote for my dad on his birthday 25th September 2013. But I didn’t post it because I thought it was too rough. I finished my national youth service on 10th of October 2013 and he immediately started bugging me to tell him when he can come and pick me up because he had bought a bus just for this purpose. I kept delaying till I didn’t have any excuse again……..
My dad died on the 29th of october 2013. It was like a dream….he had a cardiac arrest. End of life as I know it. I didn’t even spend time with him this year because I was away in Ilorin. The burial was 15th/16th November 2013.
My heart….the pain…
I miss him so much.
This is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. During the day I have to be strong. I try so hard to show that everything will be fine, that I’ll be fine but at night my tears flow. I know you never responded to weakness but daddy this is too much. I feel so numb. Daddy, I’m not ready for goodbye, I am not ready for this reality, I am not ready for this life -one without you in it. Words cannot explain how much you mean to me. a few words cannot do justice to the great man you were…the years of love and strength that my daddy gave us I never told you i saw that prayer you wrote at the back of your Bible but I’ve been running with that since.
My daddy was a fighter, the greatest, the best. what did you not do for me? you always called me baby… i felt invincible because i knew you always had my back. you were so generous to everyone around you. you never saw anyone you could help and turned away. everywhere you went, everybody you met felt your impact. I’m so proud of you daddy. I will make you proud. I love you. I love you so much.I will miss you each and everyday of my life. I hope that the real tribute to you would be the actions of our lives…that your children will be a testament to the love and kindness, strong sense of loyalty, generosity and all the wonderful things you instilled in us. sleep well daddy. I love you with all my heart.
this isn’t easy.